So it’s been awhile since my last fitness post, over 3 months actually. Part of that had to do with being busy, but the big reason for my lack of blogging about my fitness journey has to do with my struggle. I have been truly struggling the last 3-4 months to work out every day and make healthy choices, even the amount of water I drink and snacking has gone down. I was ashamed by this and felt like I shouldn’t blog about it. The truth is, this is what a fitness journey is all about – the ups and the downs!
What the scale has been saying
Let’s rewind a little. In 2016 I lost 60 pounds! Then I went on to lose 5 more pounds at the beginning of this year bringing my lowest weight since I started my journey to 215. My original goal for this year was to lose 20 pounds and bring me to 200 pounds. Then I went on a cruise / vacation in February and gained a few pounds back, no harm done that’s what vacations are for, right? Well I found it hard to jump right back into the swing of things. I was working out and eating healthy both those extra few pounds would not go away. Then in June I moved into a new apartment, changed locations and job duties for work which also resulted in a new gym (because I work out at work for free). All of these changes caused a BIG shift in my motivation, my work out and eating habits. I then decided I could just use 2017 as a year of maintenance. I would stay at 60 pounds total lost since I started my journey. Well the truth is, I gained 10 more pounds back and am now at 225lbs.
What the scale made me feel
When I gained a few pounds on my trip I thought nothing of it, actually I laughed because it meant I ate what I wanted and enjoyed my vacation! Then when I couldn’t lose that weight I started to feel defeated. As the pounds kept coming back, my self-worth and desire to workout went down. I felt like maybe this was it; I lost this weight and that’s it, I will never be any smaller or healthier then I am. Maybe I was made to be a BIG girl, not a bad thing just now what I have always felt in my soul. As you might imagine, I felt very disappointed in myself and for the most part I have kept that hidden because I know I should be proud of how far I have come. But I struggle with comparing myself to others and I have seen many people, friends included, who have lost the same as I have in less time or lost even more.
Things FINALLY turned around mentally for me last weekend when I went to Duluth. I went up for homecoming as I went to college at the University of Minnesota – Duluth. There were alumni events going on and I wanted to see people I had not seen in months and years outside of Facebook. Throughout the weekend, friends came up to me telling me how good I looked and how proud they were of me. This was REALLY hard to hear at 1st because I was struggling with the guilt and embarrassment of gaining 15 pounds back. I even told a few people, thanks but I still have a long way to go or that I had gained some weight back. Then finally, one friend reminded me that it’s a journey and assured me that I looked beautiful and that it didn’t matter how much weight I lost or how quickly, I just looked healthy and happier than before.
What I am thinking and feeling now
I just wanted to share with you my struggles both with the scale and with my mind. Fitness journeys are HARD – mentally, physically, and emotionally! That’s something I forgot and have been struggling with. I am now getting back into the swing of things, going to the gym more and more and alternating my workouts. I have also begun making healthier choices when it comes to what I make for meals, and I have been consciously trying to drink more water and have smaller but more frequent meals.
I have a vacation coming up in November and then I come back for thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas. It’s a busy time of year and I know I will probably gain a few pounds. It’s just a fact. The thing is, now I am more okay if it does happen. I will still workout and try to make healthier choices but I have finally found a place of contentment where I know that in time I WILL hit my goal weight. I might struggle from time to time with gaining weight back, having some self-doubt, and making all the wrong food choices but the thing is, I’m in this for the long hall and it’s a journey.
Stick with me on this journey, I feel like it might be a bumpy one but that’s what makes it fun, right?!